I could use your help. You see, I have tried to be a good parent and teach my children the important things in life:
- A sense of personal responsibility,
- The most important word in the English language is “Attitude,”
- That faith can see them through their darkest hour,
- There is no challenge so great that can withstand relentless persistence,
- Courage is the absence of fear…
But nothing could have prepared me for this. My lovely daughter is an unapologetic, border-line obsessive fan of the Crunchwrap Supreme, the well-intentioned abomination brought to you by the Tex-Mex fast-food chain, Taco Bell. I mean, it has all of the ingredients that we taught her to love but, the presentation of this product leaves me, well, shaking my head to be honest. And that’s not all…
She has recently immortalized her affinity toward this gastronomical abhorrence in verse. She and her classmates were assigned the task of writing a parody of an Edgar Allan Poe poem. Arguably, Poe’s most famous poem, “The Raven” got the nod. What you will read next is the product of her flour, corn and ground beef lust. I was left both speechless while also morbidly impressed at the same time. Please feel free to read this and offer me tips on how I should move toward assimilation of this cross I must now bear; as I try to understand how I have somehow failed my children gastronomically. Cards, flowers, words of support in this dark hour are all welcomed!
The Crunchwrap Supreme
by – A. Vargas
Once upon the midnight hour all I wished was to devour a tower of Taco Bell. Over time my stomach began to growl so I went out on the prowl in search of a cruchwrap supreme for this ol’ gal.
I gave the waiter my demand. “A crunchwrap supreme, only this and nothing more” was my simple command. Eagerly I awaited its arrival that was greatly imperative for my survival and it was then the waiter spoke and said “Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore; due to outbreak of illness the crunchwrap supreme we serve no more.”
All my soul within me burning, soon again I heard him speak. “Madam, you will fall prey and your insides will likely decay so if I may suggest, it is only for the best, a cheese quesadilla or even a tortilla? For you do not wish to meet the same fate as Ana María, Sofía, or Mr. García.
Let my heart be still a moment and allow this deep hunger to be cured;-“ALL I WANT IS A CRUNCHWRAP SUPREME AND NOTHING MORE!”
Though his suggestions held little meaning-little relevancy bore; For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being should result to this extreme and go without a crunchwrap supreme.
Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken, “Madam, I do apologize for I can see anger rising within your eyes. Instead of a crunchwrap supreme how about fiesta potatoes with sour cream?”
My fiery eyes now burned into the waiters core and I wailed out a scream demanding a “CRUNCHWRAP SUPREME!”
A rare and radiant fast food meal, which the angels named crunchwrap supreme. I will continue my persistence until I am delivered with my sole reason for existence.
The waiter who I now considered a traitor said “Madam, why can you not fathom the words that I have spoken? This sickness is relentless so please can you end this and order a tortilla made of flour that is freshly cooked every hour?”
I shook my head for I would rather be dead than to order anything else instead. Once more louder than before I beamed, “CRUNCHWRAP SUPREME!”
Due to the hunger I began to plunder onto the floor impeding entry from outside the door. All I could wonder was whether I would ever scarf down a meaty and cheesy crunchwrap supreme.
In this moment my heart and hopes remained broken and my last words ever spoken were the soft whisper of my unattained dream, “crunchwrap supreme.”
Now, if by some stroke of misfortune, you’ve never been exposed to this original work by Poe or simply haven’t read it for some time, please allow the incomparable James Earl Jones to read it to you:
Several years before I became a father, I learned of another father who had put a tradition into place with his daughters that affected and moved me profoundly. He instituted a custom where he was the first date his daughters would have when they became of age to begin dating. He planned to take them out, bring them flowers, open doors for them, take them to a nice meal and most importantly provide a good example of how a gentleman should treat a lady.
Several years later when we learned that our first child would be a girl, it wasn’t long before I started dreaming of the day when I could institute this practice with my own daughter. It’s not easy being the father of a beautiful, intelligent young woman but that is precisely the blessing that we have received in the case of our daughter Anissa.
When she was a little girl, I often joked about how I wouldn’t allow Anissa to date until she was 35 years old. Of course I knew no matter how hard I tried to avoid it, this day would come and it has. That day is today. This evening I will experience this special milestone with my daughter. I am nostalgic and perhaps even a bit bittersweet about the threshold we are about to cross but too, I am filled with pride and joy and love that this day has come and I remain faithful that God will fill the beautiful young woman Maria and I are raising with wisdom to carry her forward through the life that awaits her; always respecting herself and the loving example we have always tried to set for her.
Your mother and I love you very much Anissa. Our parenting will continue and I will probably continue to be a pain in the rear more often than not but we’re proud of you and excited for all you have and will become. May God bless you and illuminate the path that lies before you.